The Impar Mundi, aka, the jikmator tlues, aka that book keeping the table from being wobbly.
how interesting is that you have managed to find this page, the lengths you very well must have done to have even heared of its existence. Well as it pains me to tell you, it more or less mathematically, physically and even emotionally impossible for any description that you mind find here to be reliable at all. This universe which I inhabit, its past and future, Its flora and fauna, the people who dwell in it are so convoluded and conteradicting that truth simply cannot be applied to any of it in any logical way.
But then again, in the universe I inhabit, The G-verse if you will (it's cool if you won't), the impossible is a constant. Either way, I won't allow the knowledge I have struggled so profusely to obtain to remain unwritten, even if it is possibly the most ridiculous information to ever be incribed. Who knows, whether your a historian, a warrior, a survivalist, or just a wanderer looking for nonsense to read, then it just might suit your needs.
if you really have found this then you must be in the first dimension, you must be on earth. Man, turns out some of those brick wearing weirdos can read afterall. With derilict grammar and flawed font, backwards spelling, evolving text let us begin. shall we? Hmmm, Perhaps not. Feel free to skip stuff, after all it's guide, not a story.
The Factions Edit
In this chapter, you will be learning that if you want to get anywhere without dying from the intense weirdness that is around every corner of the globe or do anything that could make a change, there are four types of peopleit would be wise to get aquainted with. True it might not fully apply to you if you some how manage to not be on first dimension. But have faith, if you are in fact a somebody you will happen to find at least one of these sort of folk. And those folk happen to be: The Acachallas, the Law,P.I.E, The ghastly type.
Once what some would consider the greatest civilization in our fragile reality, devolved by endless war and the times of time, into a pack of ruthless thugs; But now, now you can find those whom call themselves the Acachallas as a nuclear (no, really like irradiated) family constantly going against the adversity of weirdness.
- The father Papa Acachalla. The last of the pure Acachallas, the Hero of a thousand epics, that guy who owns that seven eleven by the lake. Yes this grumpy thousand year old southerner got a lot on his belt in more ways then one, his connections and expirience allow him to get a way with a lot of stuff. Don't ask him for help or anything, nowadays he just does stuff for his own benefit, (not that he hasn't always been like that.)
- The mother Gertrude is an unsung hero in her own right, a most kind and caring motherly figure as she is a hardened warrior. She got a thing for adopting people into the family, even if the aren't kids, so she's your go to on joining the family.
- The son Billy. A mindless man child with untold power, Billy is as helpful as he his annoying. Being main reason the Acachallas are still around, for Billy revive the dead with ease. With the personality of a child he has some level of innocence, even wanting to be a doctor, but have no doubt in your mind. He will kill you for the dumbest of reasons.
- The daughter Sally. If there was anyone in the family dumber than Billy, it's Sally. Her personality really comes down to having an obsession with waffles. If she has them, great. If she doesn't, well you might be dealing with some demonic forces. Oh and mind her pets, they are of the dangerous variety.
- The Nerd Spencer. Just about as smart as he is obnoxious. Spencer denounces the dumb and smart alike, the kind and mean. Often given them the title of an absolute nerd, despite the fact the he perfectly fits the stereotypical view of a nerd in over 2,436 civilizations. His mere presence is illegal in 13 states, leaving him stranded with the Acachalla in North Carolina.
- The one who sucks at his job, sue. Commonly known on the battlefield as "The Suckish Officer", the title more or less says it all. Be it combat, strategy, cooking, reading, life advice or walking, this guy can't really do anything right. Or should I say girl, as that what it says on his adoption papers.
Pros When you're a part of or are at least connected with the acachallas, you'll find the're the best at surviving, traveling and have the most notable and various adventures. A pretty agreeable sort if your into randomness and awnser to no one, not even physics.
Cons You'll be hard pressed to be keeping any shred of sanity when working with these guys let alone being a part of their family. Though the acachallas are the best at cheating death, they are also the one who need to the most. Because everyone's out to get the Acachallas, even the acachallas, or rather their large extended family. But worst of all, there cooking is terrible. So if you're not into the sort of people who carry as many secrects and sins as they do weapons, I would avoid them, especially if you can't deal with the family fee of 15.45$.
How to fight them Seeing how theses guys are more or less deathless hillbillies, lethal weapon are but a minor set back on all of them but that doesn't mean they're unstoppable. Papa Acachalla is not in good shape, take the high ground and focus on hitting his legs. If your fighting Gertrude, be well aware that this woman is is a master martial artist, so close range is not the wisest option. Stick to land mind and explosives. Indimidating Billy is twice as useful as shooting at him, it will leave the rest of the gang vulnerable. Sally weapons usually pack a wall up but are inaccurate, melee weapons are useful. If she's in waffle mode or using one of her pets, using vehicles to run her over is your best bet. Spencer, yeah you can pretty much just shoot him. Sue, just giver her your weapon , she'll propaply manage to kill herself with it.
In a cruel and chaotic world, where it questionable if the government even exist at times, and crime is not only ignored, but encouraged. There are still a select few who maintain some sense of justice and code despite it faultering at times. These folks are few and far between, but don't think it's because of high standards, nah it's just because no one wants to be a cop, and the survival rate is unbelievably low.
- Officer Maloney, part bird, part man all justice! Except for that one time he broke the law... Which is all the time. Either way Maloney is quite literally the most famous enforcer of the law in recent memory. Known for taking down entire gangs with nothing but a squirt gun and a bubble gun in his earliest days. But now he most famously known for his ability to turn into a legendary earth bird!
- sheriff Princeton Quagmire, the quickest gun in the west and the east. Princeton was most well known for his achievement during, the old west days of the 1900s, the time of slaughter, and his overall success across all space and time. Yes, Princeton is more or less a time traveling cowboy. Some say he died a while back, but don't buy into that rubbish, no one with a time machines really dead.
- Higglydigglyögen, don't worry about wearing out his name he's done that for himself. As prieviously stated above no one wants to be a cop, so the community made some of there own. What was to become the percent super soldier clone, turned out to be a glorified inspector. Not being able to get the perfect military squad due to failed genetics. The government just decided quantity was a quality of its own, making thousands of cloned higglydigglyhögens. Keep note there bark is bigger than there bite.
- Officer Daniels, a private detective on the acachallas, M.I.A. Wanna know why? Well it involves reality distorting technology, sentient melon, and Billy.
- mr bomb dude, the most mysterious of the bunch, only seen in a full swat team uniform and a gas mask, it can be very difficult to hear whatever he says. But if there's one thing we know about him, is that he likes to disarm bombs,
Pros Out of all of these factions, these guy are the least likely to betray you and are the most sane if the bunch, but I use these terms loosely. Even though they lack attack police officers, most law enforcement commanders a call in the military at any time. They have the finest arsenal and most advanced technology. If you into protecting and serving what left of this world from the weirdos who live in it, these guys are for you.
Cons Yeah unlike the rest of the factions the law has a hard time coming back from the dead. So if you die, you'll be pretty lucky to come back at all. Despite the boob in technology most cops find themselves fighting an up hill battle since most of the people they fight are have other worldly powers. Worst of all, the pay is cheap and their real sticks in the mud. If someone who wants to take advantage to the lawlessness of this world, obviously avoid these guys.
How to fight them Beware maloneys spurt gun and bubble blaster, the squirt gun can fire at 20,000 psi, and each bubble has the force of a flying brick when it pops. Maloney is a bad shot so longer range attacks are key. Maloney is nearly indestructible in his bird form. So try to out run him eventually he'll just get bored and stop caring. Never try to out gun Princeton, he can pull his revolver out faster then the gun actually fires. Don't use your fisticuffs either, he might be old but one kick from Quagmires boot can send a man flying. A incinerary weapons were always thus cowboy weakness. To put it bluntly Higglydigglyögens are horrible at fighting, most of them don't even have guns. But should you kill one another will soon take its place, kill too many of them and they might call in an air strike, so try to run after killing the first few. The bomb dude simply likes disarming bombs, making the a great distraction.
But each and every one of these law men share a common weakness. The unexpected. When the impossible happens right before their eyes, most only watch in awe, of futilely try to apply their rules to the situation.
Paranormal investigators extraordinaire, from most times being earths number one defense against the super natural. Though there haven been many ghost hunters in the past, none have gotten quite the attention P.I.E. Possibly because earths situation with the supernatural is some how getting worse. More likely because they are attention seekers and have advertisements everywhere. Whatever the matter, if your dealing with a spooky situation, these guy are your only hope of making your life a little less weird.
- Johnny Ghost, self proclaimed leader of of P.I.E with a very shady and lucrerative past. Johnny has been hunting ghost for half his life. With P.I.E being a relatively recent dream brought to life. An adventurer ready for anything, Ghost is so committed to the cause that he even became part ghost, defeat them more easily. Can get bored easily and has a side job at McDonald's.
- Johnny Toast, fan favorite and arguably legitimate leader of P.I.E. Ever loved prince of Britain, moved to America at a young age for reason that needn't be told at the moment, what should be known is that he made fast friends with Johnny Ghost. While Ghost spent his time hunting ghost, Toast spent his time learning bout them. Becoming the author of several smashing books on the paranormal,(seriously,what are you doing reading this, just read his books instead!) when Toast became of age he was granted the funds by the British government to create the equipment needed for P.I.E.
- The unwanted sidekick Fred Spooker. Though certainly not an official member of this organization, this kid definitely tends to hang around a lot. Originally a substitute partner for Johnny Ghost when Toast was in prison (don't ask). Spooker turned out to be horrible at this job, being to cowardly and even friendly to the ghost to stop them. Despite this and the fact that Johnny Ghost hates Spookers guts, Fred keeps finding a way to barge into there little adventures.
- William barricade the militaristic member of P.I.Es Delta squad. When he was young he swallowed a walke talke, causing his voice to make staticky sound around every third syllable he speaks. As a member of the delta squad, William spends much of his time off world, dealing with alien threats.
Pros P.I.E is the world leading knowledge on the paranormal, and the best chance you have on understanding the world you inhabit, their weapons are the best for getting rid of paranormal folk. There ability to come back from the dead rival the acachallas. They even have unlimited funding.(at least on the job they do, Ghost still has to work at McDonald's.)
Cons You will be very luck to even work with or hire P.I.E let alone Join them, as the the have incredibly high standards. Your best bet is to have your name be johnny with an ost sound as your last name. Even then Ghost known to be incredibly picky when it comes to teammates. Their mission often ends immense property damage and casualties, making them Ann enemy to the law and paranormal sorts a like. Avoid the guys if not okay with always being on the run, and being forced to do the most dangerous jobs.
'How to fight them In this case you are dealing with top tier experts in combat from thing that are (likely), way more powerful than you. What you will want to do is get them while their preoccupied with a mission with a large amount of people to overwhelm there small numbers. If you don't have that option then know the weaknesses of their tactics. Johnny Ghost is terrified of birds, is enraged by boxes, and is often responsible for friendly fire. Toast is a drinker as well as a gentleman to chivalrous for his own good. These weaknesses can be exploited to cause their teamwork to suffer.
The Ghastly TypeEdit
The ghosts, the undead, aliens, vampires, and all around lovecraftian horrors. While all factions are aquiitned with the oddities of this reality, these beings are the oddities of reality. Hardly a faction, since the intent and reasoning of all these creature are are so diverse and conflicting. However a select few reacurring individuals have created groups, dynasties, civilizations....armies.
- The cowboy ghost of revenge, Maxwell Acachalla. Once a kind and caring brother of papa Acachalla himself, a lifetime of mistreatment and crime made him bitter and hateful, one day feeling betrayed, maxwell challenged papa Acachalla To a duel, Papa won and refused to bring him back from the dead. After Half a century, the forsaken Achachalla came back as a ghost, hell bent on revenge!
- creeper of the bathrooms, The toilet Toucher. He has been a creator, a destroyer, fiend, bystander, legend and even generic janitor. Many have lived the life of a toilet Toucher. Many have wielded the dark, twisted magic used to teleport from one toilet to another. The most unpredictable of all the ghost, know this, what ever incarnation he might take he will go to any length to touch your toilet, and it will be gross.
- The worlds most renowned murderer, Jimmy casket. Said to be the sole cause of the time of slaughter, Jimmy casket managed to spread murder and instantly across the globe for half a year of intense madness. No one is sure where he came from, but he almost certainly is not human, the amount of murders he commited during his time what impossibly fast and he did so across several continents. Having several reports of being killed despite always coming back. Eventually he seemed to have disappeared. Well, let's just say...he didn't. He really just waiting.
- ruler of the 15th dynasty, Prince Fang. A seemingly adorable baby dragon p, is truly one of the most evil beings in observable existence. Using his cute appearance to fool his foes Prince fang uses powerful magic and brute force to destroy his competition. Such devious ways have served him well as he is now the ruler of at least 20 dimensions, including the infamous 13th dimension, and earth is next on his endless conquest
- The French girl, Aimee, one of the few ghost, nay the few nice people you might meet. She spends her time greeting those she haunts, some accounts even say Aimee attempts to cheer sad people up wth tea, unfortunately she still is a ghost, skin people are still insanely terrified of her.
Pros This might actually be be the easiest faction to become part of as well as the one that gives you the most freedom. As doing just about anything on this planet can tranform you into a paranormal creature. Given variable degrees of intense power. Life usually consists of doing whatever or going on a rampage. Should you chose get into a partnership or even join some sort of horde like the legion of the 13th dimension, the job offers uninitiated power,glory, and snacks
Cons Since this is the most chaotic group, you very likely going to be betrayed a lot. Become a strange creature can also put great pressure upon your sanity. Possibly even leaving you a mindless monster. Worst of all, unless your invisible you'll either look to ugly for anyone to like you, or to adorable for anyone to take you seriously
How to fight them. Be is an alien terrorist, or an irradiated dinousaur riding a Teletubby, most Ghastlies have a common weakness. Rust cuts through most creature like Brad through butter, especially if your using a rusty crowbar. Mirror and upside down trash cans are great distractions. For incorporeal entities, you'll need to use ethereal weaponry, as well as electrode capture bottles to detain the creatures.
what's with the Dinosaurs?Edit
Though many diverse and bizarre wildlife roam the g-earth, none are quite as common as the Dinosaur! A class of animal that nearly any source of knowledge regarding them will assure you became extinct millions of years ago, despite the fact your more likely to come across a hungry pack of allosaurus in your back yard than a bird in a tree. As a matter of fact no matter what time you live in or even whatever planet you live on, a dinosaur can be found as part of the ecosystem, like the ultimate invasive species.
why are they here?Edit
With evidence of several a incident scripture, chemical records indicating severe iartificial damage to the Mesozoic timeline, and this one blog post I found, we can deduce several species of saurians and other prehistoric reptilles were collected by a mysterious group of time travelers to be used as 'War Beast' for the Second great time war. Though not much is about prieviously stated war, what we can deduce now is that a very common tactic used in the war was using a time space portal to connect a designated timeline to a militarized Mesozoic era, in which a horde of dinosaurs would be unleashed upon the designated timeline.
Heavy use of this tactic caused invasive dinosaurs to inhabit several timelines, despite this, the life expectancy was low due an inability to adapt to the many inhospitable environments. That's where Jurassic park (or rather in gen) came in. As they to were worked together to weaponize dinosaurs further with the use of genetic augment ion instead of simple training.
The results were 'horribly right', ranging from sentient raptors, nuke proof brontosaurus, and even t-Rex whom instinctually knew Kung Fu. The harshest environments were all but a breeze for these creatures. However when the war ended the portals continued to open at seemingly random areas and times as the ones whom knew how to deactivate these portals were long dead. All the while the weaponized ancestors to the birds made their homes all across time and space. But Despite these creatures violent tendencies, they were still but beasts. It was only until later on that they became active destroyers of civilizations.
Of all the generically improved behemoths that sprawled across your broken world, I was but a natural, time distorted raptor that that brought the second rise fir the saurians. A raptor without size or great power mind you, but wit? Surely the primeval beast had the wit to dominate a broken world.
Traveling across the earth to militarize his forgotten race over the span of years, this raptor became alpha to millions of raptors, and close allies with nearly every large predator theropod alive. Finally sealing its victory when it challenged the king of the allosauruses Freddie of the acachallas, not nessicary wining but certainly earning the respect of what most would think a mindless killing machine. Upon learning of this new brotherly bond between this raptor in her new pet, Sally of the acachallas unofficially adopted the raptor giving it the only title it ever owned, Freddio.
Hmmm, well it's not exactly the most awe inspiring name, sorta why it took me so long to mention but...hey! Let's get back to the story. It was upon the day this Freddio was adopted that he called forth his saurians horde, cities form all around the globe where swarmed by allosauruses and lettuce squirrels, urban neighborhoods torn apart buy carnotourus of all variants. Ships sunken to the dark depths of the ocean by spinosaurs and leoplurodons, (even though leoplurodons weren't exactly dinosaurs, the just liked being helpful that all.)
In less than a day the first dimension was in the cluches of the saurian horde, humanity might have saw its end had their leader not have died just as victory was theirs. For papa Acachalla sensed the uprising before hand hand knew to kill Freddio in order to save the world of man. After fighting through Freddio's personal raptor guard, the acachallas soon found it impossible to even get near Freddio without getting sliced in half. The family was chased out of their own abode, and just as it seemed all hope was lost, Freddio accidentally managed to cause papa acachalla's precious flat screen tv of land on his own end, killing himself and his dreams of conquest.
Thus the dinosaurs never truly annexed the earth, but now struggle forever over it against its former successors called man. To this day the body of Freddio is buried deep within the junk of papa acachallas shed, in hopes that Sally will never find out about her pets death.
dealing with dinosaursEdit
A relatively broad yet constant threat, the dinosaurs one might encounter will come in many shapes and forms. The most common of whichever include the allosaurus whom have prospered the most in the modern environment. While certainly a force to be reckoned with, the allosaurus is the easiest to manage, as they can easily be lead into traps and killed through conventional means like firearms, albeit with quite a significant amount. This can be applied to most wild and unenhanced dinosaurs, with pThe possibility to even tame the beings through magic and cool chair tricks.
Mutated dinosaurs are extremely dangerous, be the kaiju sized, invisible, super spikey, nuke proof, trained in kick boxing, come with their own scary theme song or all the above they are far to much for a mere mortal citizens can contend with. Calling your county dinosaur killer is advised.
Those of whom hail from the east.Edit
What is his name? Where was he born? How old is he? How much does he weigh? These and endless other questions pertain to this man. And it seems the answer changes whenever it is asked without any correlation, except his weight, he has Bennett onsite toys getting heavier by the day.
I am of course speaking of the one many call, Papa Acachalla, but a man of such status has many titles, the bald warlord, the wizard of food, the tv repair man, I first heard of him by the name of Scott, but that name is long past him. This Papa Acachalla is a man whose past is scarred with time distortions, mediocre historical records, and inefficient memory, one of many origns. One origin of which happen so to be from the east.
East of what? Of everything. As west is the end of the world the east is the beginning of it. Recovered from early records from the 5th great time war, Galifrey was ravaged by an enemy who descended from the nothingness of space, time distorted horrors like would be's and never where's. To defend against is barrage of chaos, Galifrey depended on artificial regenerations, both to increase to life span of soldiers and to increase their lethality. In the greatest struggle that never happened, The time lords were victorious, for a time at least.
It soon became apparent, however, that something was going awry with the enhanced solides. Each looked like identical, bearded bald men. Their I.qs decreased along with their loyalty to rassilon, each had endless regeneration cycles, at the cost of their heart. Eventually a fallout between the Pure time lords and the augmented militants began, thousands of battle tardis wher stolen from the planet which the mutated timlords used to flee from their precursors. Settling on lesser worlds to conquer.
This, so happens to be the origns of the the great Acachalla empire, if you where wondering where they got the name from your guess is as good as mine. In fact it's as good as theirs, the name just seem to stain their minds one day. Surprisingly, this is not the origns of papa Acachalla, as the empire formed west of Galifrey. Meaning perhaps a pure blooded Timelord naturally regenerated into an Acachala perhaps? Or possibly willingly subjected himself to augmentations? In any case the empire is gone, ruined, time itself has consumed it, but papa Acachalla remains.